‘I never saw or talked with him again’: Expert says this is the right way for a woman to break up with a man

Sixty percent of female murders involve their romantic partner. This is according to Femicide Census data from 2009 to 2021. Criminal defense attorney Micheal Foote shared breakup advice on his TikTok in hopes of lowering this number.

"[My professor] straight up told the class, 'Look, ladies—exactly how I opened up the video—this is the No. 1 best way to avoid being murdered: Do not leave your man when you're alone," Foote said in an interview with the Daily Dot. "I'll never forget that."

Foote shares this advice with his followers in a viral video. And Foote says this really differs from his typical content.

“This video had kind of been burning in the back of my mind for a long time,” he said.

In the TikTok, Foote expands on his professor's advice. He tells women not to break up with their male partners in person, alone or in a private setting.

Foote also explains there are decades of legal cases in which a man murders his female partner after she decides to leave him. He refers to these as “heat of passion crimes.”

“It's a way for a defense attorney to say, ‘Actually the mental state of this person was taken over by this extreme emotion, and we actually should reduce their sentence and reduce the charges because their mental state was so impacted by the circumstances,” Foote said.

Approximately 20% of homicides in the United States are crimes of passion, according to Gitnux.

“There is nothing more dangerous than a humiliated man or a man told no,” a viewer commented on Foote’s video.

How to break up safely

Other viewers added on to Foote’s advice in the comments. 

“My mom always taught us never tell them you’re leaving,” a viewer wrote. “Stay silent, wait until they go to work, take what you need, and get out as fast as you can.”

“ALWAYS HAVE RUN MONEY,” another said. “If you have an inkling you might have to leave soon, start saving so you're not stuck.”

“Remember to turn off your household cameras while you pack up if your ex likes to check them,” another commented.

In his TikTok, Foote says there are entire sections of case law in his criminal law textbooks which cover these types of homicide cases. 

“You might be thinking, ‘Oh, but he's different,’ or ‘Not him,’ or ‘But I love him,’ or ‘We've been married for X number of years,” Foote says. “I guarantee you every woman who is now the subject of case law in a criminal law textbook thought the same exact thing.” 

While Foote acknowledges that breaking up with someone over the phone or in a public place “sucks,” he pleads with his viewers to take his advice.

“If there's any sort of history of aggression or violence in this person's background, or you just sort of have that sinking feeling where you're like, ‘You know, maybe there's a 1% chance of an extreme reaction, please just do it. I'd rather you be a jerk who broke up with someone over the phone who is still alive than someone who is the next person in a legal textbook.”

In the interview, Foote said he grew up sheltered, but always had a lot of female mentors.

“As I was going to law school and entering the world as a defense attorney, I was a little bit bombarded, and, you know, embarrassed to say I was a little bit shocked at how much toxic masculinity is wildly pervasive in society,” he said.

The Anxiety and Depression Association of America defines toxic masculinity as the result of how society culturally trains and pressures men. At its core are toughness, aggression, anti-feminity, anti-emotion, and power.

In the comments of his video, a viewer asked Foote how to advise men not to murder women.

“Men have a lot of work to do to unlearn their biases, to understand the ways in which they ask women to absorb their inability to self-regulate emotions,” Foote said in the interview. “I think that is something that every man needs to unlearn. I think it is so subconscious in society.”

The criminal defense attorney said he often sees men who don’t think they're doing anything wrong. He said this is even true in the most extreme cases.

“Villains always think they're doing the right thing,” he said. “It's just clearly, objectively not the right thing to everyone else, but in their mind, their narcissism is telling them that their behavior is warranted based on past trauma or the situation or whatever. That this is how you are supposed to be acting, or that the way you're acting is not reprehensible.” 

Nearly three out of 10 women have experienced rape, physical violence, and/or stalking by a partner and reported it to have a related impact on their functioning. This is according to the National Domestic Violence Hotline.

“Oftentimes men hear about these situations or take a look at their own behavior compared to an abusive person's behavior, and they think, ‘Well, oh, that's not me. I could never be like that, not like that.’ And I think that is oftentimes a huge misconception. It is oftentimes you. You are actually being abusive, and you just can't understand that. You're not comprehending what your actions are actually doing to someone else.”

Viewers weigh in

Foote’s TikTok has 3.7 million views and over 11,000 comments. Many of the top comments are women sharing their domestic abuse survival stories.

“I arranged for him to visit his family out of state as a present,” one woman said. “He came home to an EMPTY house. I never saw or talked with him again. Thank goodness.”

“I'm a survivor,” another woman wrote. “He had never even raised his voice at me... When I said it was over, he snapped. The one person who I thought would never.”

“I left my ex-husband after he left to work,” another commented. “No signs. I made dinner, packed his lunch, kissed him bye. I packed two duffle bags and left. Never saw him again.”

“I walked away from years of savings, retirement, huge house, etc.,” another said. “Left it all to be safe.”

How are men responding to this viral breakup advice?

Foote said hundreds of women have sent their stories to him directly. However, he doesn’t think a single man has commented on the video or messaged him. He said he finds this “deeply disturbing.”

“Not a single man reached out to be like, ‘How can I unlearn? How can I help my female allies?’ And I think we would be remiss if we didn't address the fact that I'm a man who posted this video and it went viral,” he said. “I think it's really uncommon for men to be talking about these issues, and I think that's part of the reason why it got so much attention.”

Foote said it’s hard to give his viewers further blanket advice because each person's situation is different. Instead, he recommended that people use the National Domestic Violence Hotline.

“People think, ‘Once I reach out to a domestic violence hotline or organization, they're gonna call 911,’ and it's not. It's a resource, and it's up to you,” he said. “You use them as much as you're comfortable, so that's a great place to ask your specific question about your specific situation.”

Foote said he will donate any money TikTok pays him for this video to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence.

@dept_of_redundancy_dept

If you need help: https://www.thehotline.org/ (Any $$ tiktok pays me thru the creator fund for this video will be donated to https://ncadv.org/donate)

♬ original sound - Michael Foote, Esq.

“Quietly weeping while reading all of these stories in the comments,” a viewer commented. “It’s oddly comforting - and equally unsettling - to know I am not alone.”

“Ladies, if you think you have no one, I guarantee that if you reach out to people telling them you are leaving, they will be ready to help,” a viewer commented.

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